This Never Happened Before
by calicoskies4ever
Summary: The sequal to In the Wake. Lex tells his father that he no longer wants to be a Luthor, thus setting upa chain of events much like the ones from his dream in Lexmas. Spoliers for Lexmas.
1. G is for Goodbye

"I'm very sure  
this never happened to me before  
I met you and now I'm sure  
this never happened before," Paul McCartney

So, it's been a couple of weeks since my confrontation with my father and I'm starting to get used to my new life. God, how many times have I said that, when he first started—no I don't want to think about that—with every new school, when I moved to Smallville, when Dad moved here, there's more but that was my old life. It's amazing how quickly Martha and Clark have assimilated me into their family. I've never felt like I belonged until now. Clark has been showing me how to do different things, chores. Even with someone like Clark, even with all of his abilities there are always things that need to be done, when you live on a farm. I don't think I've ever worked this hard in my life. Not that I'm complaining. Actually I think I'm enjoying myself, even now as we're working on this fence at 5:00 am. Clark is doing most of the work, but I'm holding up my end. OUCH! Splinter. Shit! Maybe I can keep working. I just can't bend my OW.

"Shit," I yell, looking at Clark quickly and then trying to go back to work even though I've only got one hand.

"What happened," he asks, picking up my wounded limb and hold it in his hands. "That looks like it hurts. Come on we'll go back to the house. I think Mom has a tweezers somewhere."

"I can keep, oomph, working. I just need to be careful," I try to explain my forehead bent in frustration and pain.

"Come on. It's okay. I was gonna suggest we take a break soon anyway. I can smell those pancakes from here."

"Okay." It feels strange, working side by side with Clark day after day, mainly because I've had an opportunity to see just what he can do, how strong he is, and all of the love and tenderness inside of him. I feel so great, being loved and surrounded by all this care and comfort but at the same time I can't help but feel that I come up incredibly short in comparison to Clark. He keeps on telling me how I shouldn't do that; how we are both so different it's like the apples and oranges thing. Except that with Clark and me it's more like apples and bowling balls. We get most of the way to the house, standing right by the barn when suddenly Clark pushes me inside of the barn and into a corner. I know what he's doing. Clark is trying to hide me and I know why he would try and do that. There is only one reason why he would try and do that. Lionel is in the house and Clark has seen him before Lionel could even know we were coming. I think if I could only have one of his abilities, I would like to be able to see through walls. Even if I couldn't stay here, I would be able to avoid Lionel as much as humanly possible.

"He's here isn't he? My father, I mean, he's inside. He came back for me." Clark looks away desperately. That's the only answer I need.

"I'll go in there and tell him that he can't—that he can't even see you." Clark's voice is quick and panicked. He wants to protect me. He thinks that if my dad and I are apart, if he keeps us separated, then Lionel's power over me will, disappear and I will be okay. I will be safe, then. There's only one problem with this plan of his. Lionel doesn't control me with a pair of handcuffs but with a long leash. I can run as far away as I like but then one day Lionel will pull the rope back, dragging me in kicking and screaming.

"I have to go in there Clark. Last time he figured I was just angry, scared and that I needed a break. Now that I've had my "vacation" he's here to tell me that it's time to come home." Clark sighs, touching the side of my face and hugging me.

"Please. Don't go with him. You can stay here and be safe, forever. If you let him take you away he'll hurt you."

"I know. But I have to fight him myself. I have to be the one to tell him no. I have to tell him goodbye—well not good but. It has to be me." Clark looks back at me with tears in his eyes, and nods.

//\\

Lionel is standing in the kitchen. His eyes pass over my body and I can feel myself shudder. Dad sees my hand curled at my side and he picks it up, examining it, running a finger over the splinter.

"That looks painful. Let me take care of that hmmm?" he asks, looking me straight in the eyes. Dad reaches into his pocket and like magic pulls out a pair of tweezers. Every one of his touches is gentle, deliberate. It's as if he's trying to show me that he's changed but I know better. I try to force my eyes open, despite the burning sensation building up inside of me.

"Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry," I whisper under my breath as he pulls the sliver of wood from my palm. Clark stands at my size, poised and snarling like an attack dog.

"There," Dad says, patting my hand but not letting it go. "That's better now isn't it?" He holds my hand, rubbing it, bringing it to his lips to kiss it.

"Let him go!" As angry as he is, Clark's words are smooth, even, controlled. Lionel relinquishes my hand, looking disappointed.

"I think it's time for Lex to come home now. I know what a strain it must be, having another person who needs food, shelter, and space."

"Lex helps out here. He's not taking anything we can't afford to give up," Clark tells him. "The only strain around here comes from you!"

"Clark. It's okay. Look, Dad, I know I've said this before but I don't wanna be a Luthor anymore." I decide to just right how and tell him what I'm thinking, feeling.

"Now Son, that's not something you can simply remove from your life. You're my son, not just by law but by genetics and, other ties."

"I'll give up everything that would have been mine. All I want in return is for you to leave me alone."

"You'd really be willing to give that up? You would forfeit all that I've worked so hard to give you?"

"All you have ever given me is pain. Now I don't know exactly what the steps would be in this situation but you do what you have to do so I'm not your son anymore. And don't—if you need my signature on something, don't bring it by yourself." Lionel places a hand on my cheek, slides it down my neck, shoulders, chest, down, down, down, until it rests on my thigh. Please just leave. I can't fight you and if you push any harder I'm gonna go with you and stay there forever. I can see Clark deciding whether or not to tackle my father but then he lets go.

"Now Lex, you understand you're giving it all up not just the money. If you need help getting yourself out of a situation, don't waste your one phone call on me."

"Yeah, okay," is about all I can manage but it's enough. Lionel turns, reaching to grope me again, but then he thinks better and just walks out the door. As soon as he goes, Clark and Martha both hug me and say over and over how brave I just was, but I can't hear them. All I can think is that it's over; it's finally over. No mater how many times I tried to leave, tried to run away, tried to get out of my father's clutches, the only time I have ever believed I was truly safe is now.

"I am so proud of you, Lex," Martha tells me, kissing the side of my head.

"Me too," Clark says holding me in his arms. "I love you Lex. I love you so much."

"I love you too Clark," I say. I don't think I've ever said that before and meant it. I'm getting better. I know that now and I'm gonna be okay.


	2. L is for Love

"I can't imagine how it feels to never have been in love like this before. I don't wanna think about it, anyhow," Paul McCartney

WARNING: This chapter and the rest of the fic contain Mpreg. Yeah, I went that way, so sue me: P

I've been working so hardly lately that I've basically been sleeping like the dead, and it's not that I haven't had any nightmares, I just haven't had the time to notice them, if I did. Mostly I just wake up in the morning and I feel rested but I also feel as if I only went to sleep a few minutes ago and if I remember any of my dreams it's only a tiny fragment and never anything horrible. That was, until about five minutes ago.

All of my nightmares are the same. I wake up in a dark room. I hear the door open. Squeak. There's someone there. He comes over to me and . . . . Well I never thought that way go way but I, just, I don't. It's been a while, two months and I got used to the quiet, the peace, the feeling safe. I don't like changes.

Clark wakes up just as soon as I do and he wraps his arms around me, and we rock back and forth together. I feel different around him than I do around other people. I feel safe with Clark. I feel like he might just be the one who could save me. I feel like maybe I could be happy with him around, and maybe I could forget the nightmares and the bad things.

"Clark. I think we should talk. Remember how I told you about the dream I had last year, after I was shot?"

"Yeah. You told me about it. But you don't have to worry. I'm not going anywhere. I promise."

"Actually, I'm not worried. I know I look scared, but it was just a dream. I have them all the time. I was thinking, I want, no I need you to make love to me." Clark touches my neck softly. He kisses me, softly. Clark puts his hands on my shoulders, rubbing them.

"Are you sure? I mean what if—I could—I mean—I don't wanna hurt you." I move his hands down to my hips, leaning in kissing him hard and long. "Lex, mmmmm."

"Well, there are plenty of ways around that. I know you think that you're gonna lose control mid—whatever, but I have an idea," I explain, kissing his neck, slowly pulling his shirt off. Clark pushes my shirt up and then lets it fall.

"Are you sure about this?" he asks, giving me one of his concerned, brooding looks, and putting a hand on my back.

"I don't think I've ever been sure of anything in my whole life. But I want this. I thick it will help." His eyes look up at me, he's still concerned but he wants this too. I've seen the way he looks at me, the way he has been looking at me for a long time. It's a completely different look from the ones my father gives me, used to give me. Clark leans in and kisses me again, peeling my shirt off.

"I love you Lex," he whispers into my ear. "I love you," Clark gets up on his hands and knees, with me behind him. And my cock slips inside of him perfectly. It's as if we are two pieces of a puzzle and we were meant to go together. He turns his head o the side and looks at me saying, "I love you," over and over. It's not that I haven't had sex before. I don't think they've invented a number high enough to catalogue everything I've done, but it's never felt right before. I haven't ever felt good, comfortable, safe. I couldn't enjoy it before tonight. And when I cum it's almost like the first time ever, the first good time anyway. It is perfect, beautiful and it feels good. Then I collapse into Clark's arms and together we fall back asleep and stay that way until late in the morning.

//xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx\\

It's been about three months now, I'm counting from the first time Clark and I made love instead of since the thing with Lionel. It's a good memory and I think it marks the most significant change I have been through in my life. I didn't used to believe in happily ever after. Hell I didn't even believe in happy, at least not when it came to me. Other people enjoyed life. They got the things they wanted, but not me. I never even considered the possibility of belonging o a real family. For my first few weeks here I walked around like I was in a dream, constantly pinching myself. Who are these people and what do they want from me? Why are they acting so nice?

Even after m initial suspicions and insecurities faded I was still unsure how I fit into all of this. Clark and Martha were very patient with me, though and if it wasn't for the two of them, if not for their love and pertinence and acceptance, well I would have just gone back to being a zombie. I would have been a walking dead person, back under Lionel's control and I know that eventually I would have ended up dead. IT was just too much pain for one person to endure.

But I'm not there. I'm here, and I'm happy and I'm starting to feel comfortable for the first time in my life. In fact I'm so used to my new schedule that Clark's surprise takes me by, well surprise.

"I wanna have dinner with you tonight," Clark says, sitting me down at a chair in the kitchen, by the table.

"We have dinner together every night." Then I realize that he means more than that. "IS something wrong?"

"No, But there is something I want to talk to you about, something I wanna tell you. Don't worry. It's good news. I promise." Clark wraps his arms around me.

"I don't like surprises. I don't care if it is a good one. Please. Just tells me." He looks away for a second and then turns and touches my face. "I'm sorry, I know you've probably got something really nice planed and I'm ruining that, but… My routines are all I have. I don't like changes. I'm sorry."

"You don't have anything to be sorry for. But um, our schedules are probably gonna have to change pretty soon. In about six months, maybe a little more." Six months, that's November, December, January, February, March, April. What's the big deal about April?

"I don't understand. What's the big—why are you smiling at me like that? Clark?" He gives me another warm hug.

"Lex I uh—I'm not quiet sure how to tell you this. I can hardly believe it myself. It's okay. It's good news. It's great news." Clark takes my hand in his kissing it softly, and then kissing me.

"It's good news?" I raise my eyebrows, suspiciously. "Okay. Tell me."

"I'm pregnant." The words pass through my head like a brick through a plate glass window. Clark. Pregnant? How is that even possible? I must be dreaming. I'm sure of it. Maybe I'm in another coma. Was I shot? I don't remember that happening. Oh god, what if I never really woke up!?! Clark takes my hand and places it on his belly. I ca feel the baby, our baby. "It's going to be alright. I promise."

"I think you're right." I'm gonna be a daddy! I'm gonna be a daddy I may have had a bad example but I'm not following it. I won't do that/. Not ever.

"Lex? Are you okay?" Clark pulls his shirt down, self-consciously. I feel myself smiling as I stand up and wrap my arms around him in a tight hug.

"Yeah. I think I am. So what was this dinner you had planed for me, the one I ruined?"

"You didn't ruin it. We can still have dinner. We should have dinner. Candles, Mom made that spaghetti thing you like, and for dessert I got you these." Clark lifts the lid off of a box of expensive looking chocolates.

"Thank you Clark. This is wonderful. Here. I think this one is a peanut butter cup, I know how much you like those." I hold it up to his lips and he eats it. Pregnant. My baby. This is the best news I have ever heard.


	3. F is for Family

"I have to say that you are stronger than you know  
I have to say that you are smart enough to handle any stunt anyone could pull," Everclear

All of the goofy stuff that pregnant women do on TV is pretty much real. No, Clark is not eating ice cream and pickle sandwiches, but he will wake up at 4:00 in the morning absolutely needing mashed potatoes or uh—barbecue sauce flavored potato chips. And this baby, our baby, keeps on kick Clark's stomach like he's trying to break out.

"Hey, you in there. This is your Daddy again. We know your strong, Kiddo. Calm down, you're gonna be getting' out of there soon enough. Thank you."

"How come he listens to you?" Clark says, half smiling and half whining. "You know something, Lex, I don't think I've ever seen you smile like that before." Clark wraps his arm around me and the two of lays lay in bed.

"He listens to me because I'm not a push over," I explain with a kiss, and a smile. Then I kiss his stomach.

"I am not a push over! You'd give into what ever he wanted if he was kicking you like that."

"Probably, but he's not, and I don't. Come on, it's late and you need your sleep." Clark closes his eyes and slips off into the darkness, whispering the words, "I love you Lex," before falling asleep. I should sleep too but the past few nights I've been lying awake and watching over them, Clark and the baby. It seems like it's been a lifetime since I moved in.

I feel like I've been living this life, this perfect life forever, but it's really been less than a year. Lionel hasn't stopped by to try and convince me to go with him. I hardly worry about that anymore, well I worry about it but not as much as I did when I first moved in. It just seems as though absolutely everything is falling into place now, perfectly.

Like a minute ago when Clark said, "I don't think I've ever seen you smile like that before," when I was talking to the baby, and thinking about what it's gonna be like after he's born. I've been looking at myself lately, and he's right. I'm happy, not just a little, not just happy with the way a few things are in my life, but I am genuinely happy, and I didn't think it was possible before.

I have dreams about when the baby comes, all good dreams, and even though I can't see him, I know he's beautiful, strong, and perfect. Clark and I haven't completely agreed on a name yet. I don't actually have any ideas, at least not yet anyway, but Clark thinks we should name him Alexander. I like the idea, don't get me wrong but there's something about that. It just doesn't seem right.

I'm not even sure why that is, except that I'm afraid that if I give this kid my name he might also inherit all the other bad things from me, from my old life and I don't think it would be fair to do something like that to a child. Maybe I'm wrong though. It's absolutely a possibility. Clark's a pretty good judge of just about everything. I think he might be right about this baby too.

"Hey, Lex?" Clark sits up in bed, sort of grabbing my hand. "I uh—need to tell you something." He kisses my hand and then starts to get up. "It's time," he says.

//XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX\\

"He's perfect," I say, picking the baby up in my arms, and kissing his head. "Those eyes, that nose. He is the most beautiful baby in the world, in the universe." Clark is sitting next to me; he leans over and kisses Alex on the tummy. Then he wraps his arm around my shoulder.

"Yeah, he is," Clark, says, kissing my cheek, and patting the baby on the back. "And he's strong too." There's a bit of a pause. "Lex are you okay?" I can't help but smile, he's just had a baby and he's asking if _I'm_ okay. But that's Clark for you, always worried about everyone else, always taking care of everyone.

"I'm—I dunno, Clark. I love you. I love this baby, but it's a lot. All my life I've been afraid to have a kid. I read this article once . . ." Clark cuts me off.

"You're not going to do anything to our baby. For one thing I'd kill you and second, you love him too much. You even gave him your name."

Martha comes down from the attic. She was looking for something upstairs, but she wouldn't say what. She has this big, soft, yellow and bluish blanket in her arms.

"I knew we still had this. I knitted it, years ago, before we even had Clark," she says, helping me wrap Alexander in it. He doesn't squirm or anything. He seems to feel the love that this blanket represents. She hugs me, and then Clark, and last but not least, the baby. Then she puts him into the crib. He grabs one of the bars, pulling on it. The bar pops out of place.

"Whoa, easy there Buddy," Clark says, rushing over and popping it back in. "I guess that answers that question, doesn't it?" He smiles, shyly, leaning over the baby's crib and whispers to him. Martha sits down on the couch, next to me. She gives me another one of those motherly hugs.

"I know how scary this sort of thing can be. You're in for a lot, but you're going to be all right. You're stronger than you think, and you have a good heart."

"He's asleep," Clark says, coming back over and sitting down on my other side. "We had a long talk about being careful and stuff. About being careful and not—well you know." Clark wraps his arms around me.

"You think we have enough formula?" I ask, not sure how all of this is supposed to work. I've never been around baby's before, except for . . . Clark must be able to sense my apprehension because he kisses me softly on the cheek. He holds me in his arms and whispers in my ear.

"I love you, and it's gonna be okay. We're gonna be okay. Alexander is gonna be okay."

"I still can't help but be scared. I don't think I'm gonna hurt him. I still have those night mares sometimes and I don't always tell you."

"Lex, why—you—I mean—you wake up and you're scared and I'm right there. You should have told me. I can help."

"Sometimes I just want to be alone after all of that. Buy lying there, alone in the dark, I worry that—it's not really over."

"Oh Lex. You don't have to—I mean. I love you and Mom loves you and the baby loves you. You're safe now."

"I know that, but it's okay. I think I worry so much because I spent so long being scared, and even though I don't have to be, I'm just not sure how I'm supposed to feel. That's pretty fucked up isn't it?" Clark smiles and gives me another hug.

"It's not, not at all, but you don't have to lay there all alone in the dark being scared. I'm here now. I'll always be here for you." I stand up, a little shaky at first, and walk over to Alexander's crib.

"I've always wanted a family." When I was a kid I used to think that being part of a real family would make everything okay and it think that it's true. I'm gonna be okay. We're all going to be okay. "I love you," I whisper, touching my son on the head. "And I'm gonna take care of you, I love you, Son. I love you. I love you. I love you. . ."


	4. P is for Pain

"In the arms of an angel  
Fly away from here  
From this dark cold hotel room  
And the endlessness that you fear  
You are pulled from the wreckage  
Of your silent reverie  
You're in the arms of the angel  
May you find some comfort there," Sarah McLachlan

I've been working hard this past week or so, taking care of the baby mostly. I never knew how much care new babies needed. I know I thought about it, but honestly, I pretty much figured that he would only need a little something every couple of hours. As it turns out they need constant attention. We made a sort of make shift carrier and I walk around with Alexander strapped to my chest, doing whatever I can around the house.

He's amazing, a miracle and I truly love him. I love my new life. Everything here is great, and I'm happy. I have a family. It's about 1:00 and the baby is fussing so I put him in the crib and kiss his hair. Alex falls asleep quickly, which is new for him. I don't think he likes the crib very much. If he could, he'd spend 24 hours a day in Clark, Martha's or my arms.

Most of the time, if we put him in the crib, he'll scream and fuss for at least fifteen minutes and then he'll cry for a few minutes but it's not sad crying. It's just "pay attention to me," crying. Even still, I hate to hear him cry and I wish he could go through his whole life and never need to cry. But as for today, he's perfect. He just closes his eyes and then he's out like a light.

That should have been my first sign that there was something different about today, something wrong even. I'm just so grateful for his not putting up a fight that I hardly even think about it. I'm a little worried and so I go over and check and see, just in case he might be hurt or sick. I put my hand on his chest. His little heart is beating strong and smooth and he is breathing too. Alexander's good. No, he's perfect.

The second thing that should have sent up warning flares is the fact that the baby and I are completely alone. Clark and Martha went to the farmers market, and they're gonna be gone for the whole afternoon. I don't completely understand all of this farming stuff, but it's not like it matters. I like it here and I like the Kents. I even feel like I'm one of them, like I belong.

After Alex falls asleep, I realize that I haven't eaten anything all day. So, I walk into the kitchen and start making myself a sandwich. I've got so much stuff in my hands that I almost drop the mayo, trying to close the fridge. That's when it hits me. I'm all alone. The baby is asleep, and the Kents are gone. For some reason, this scares me, a lot. I feel like I ought to wake the baby just so I can have someone to talk to. Only I know I can't do that.

All the time that I am thinking if I should wake Alexander up or not, I'm so absorbed in my own thoughts that I completely forget my sandwich. I can't hear anything either. I don't hear the car pull up to the house even though this place is basically deserted. I don't hear the door slam or the footsteps walking up to the front door. I don't hear anything, not until the doorbell rings. It's loud and disturbing and it even scares me a little, but mostly it just pisses me off.

So I go and answer the door, ready to rip whomever almost woke the baby up a new one. I go to the door and I yank it open and I step outside, closing it softly. I don't close it all the way, just in case Alex starts crying and I turn to the guy on the front stoop and shout, "what?" before I realize who it is.

"Well, Lex, it is certainly nice to see you too," my father, says, looking around, before placing his hands on my waist. "Now, are you going to invite me inside, or do you want to do this out here?" I wish I could be strong enough to push him off me and make him leave, but he still has this power over me, and I let him inside. Lionel doesn't see the room with an open door and the crib at first. I try to hide Alexander by offering up myself like a sacrificial lamb.

"Can we take care of whatever you want from me quickly, _Dad_? The Kents are gonna be back in two maybe three hours."

"Now, now. Do you really think the only reason I came all the way out here was for," he places a hand on the crotch of my pants and I have to bite down on my lip with all my strength to keep from whimpering. "I wanted to see how you were doing," he leans over me, unbuttoning my jeans.

"Yeah, sure," I whisper, looking away. Then the baby starts crying and he lets go of me to hunt him down. By the time I get my pants back up and into the baby's room, Dad is leaning over the crib with his hand on my son. Suddenly, all of my fear melts away as I rush over and push Lionel off of him. My father falls to the floor.

"What the Hell is wrong with you, Lex?" he shouts, standing back up, and brushing himself off.

"You stay away from my son!" I shout without thinking. _Shit._ I did not want him to know that.

"Ah, Lex. You should have told me that there had been a birth in the family," he says smiling, and touching my face.

"I'm not part of your family anymore. Remember? You had me disinherited and everything. I signed the fucking papers."

"I want you to know that I haven't had those papers processed yet. I knew you wouldn't want to stay here forever. I wanted to give you the opportunity to come back home, if you wanted."

"This is my home. I'm part of a family here. One where I don't have to put up with being molested and raped by my so called father."

"Is this what you really want Lex?" he asks and I know by his tone that he is hiding something from me.

"You are not going to do to my son what you did to me, what you would have done to Julian. Now get out!" My father raises his hand slowly and it lands on my shoulder before I even have a chance to think, disabling me completely and sending my body falling to the floor. Then his hands are on me as my pants slide down to my ankles.

And then he hurts me, but I can't do anything. I can't even move. Alexander is crying and my father is whispering in my ear that if this is what I really want, then after he is done, he will leave me alone, for good. After he finishes, I can only watch as he stands up, zipping his pants.

"Goodbye, Lex. I'll have those papers processed tomorrow. Take good care of that baby, Son. If anything were to happen to you, I would easily win any type of custody battle." After he says this, my father kicks me in the ribs and walks out the door.

Alex is screaming his little head off and as soon as whatever Lionel did to me wears off, I pick him up an the two of us rock back and forth together, until everyone gets home. Clark comes up starts and when he sees the two of us on the floor, he races over.

"Lex, what happened?" he cries, wrapping his arms around Alex and me.

"He came back. He—said it would be the last time but he—," I can't finish, but it doesn't seem to mater. Clark just rocks with us, kissing the side of my head, and whispering in my ear.

"I'm sorry, Lex. I'm so sorry. I should never have left you alone. It's okay now. That's not gonna happen again. I'm gonna protect you now."

"He knows about the baby. Oh God, he—Alexander was in the room when he—you know. He saw it. I can't believe I let that happen to him too."

"No, Lex, what happened wasn't your fault. Look, he's not gonna hurt you ever again, and he won't hurt Alex either. It's gonna be okay. I promise."


	5. T is for Together

I'm sorry about the short chapter, but I'm busy working on the next one. I have a couple of really great ideas, but you'll just have to wait and see. After this chapter, you should know, there is going to be a HUGE time jump. I'm also ignoring the Reunion plot line because it kind of screws with my fic.

"You're awake and trying not to be  
Wrapped around your pillow like a prawn  
and the nighttime's wrapped around you  
Will be until it drops you on the dawn," The Fountains of Wayne

I've been lying here, with the lights off, and my back against the wall and my eyes shut tight to keep away the darkness, but I know I can't stay here forever. Alexander won't go to sleep unless I'm the one who puts him to bed, but I need a little time off right now. If I were anywhere else, I'd stay in bed like this for days but nothing but a supersize bottle of Xanax to get me through, to help me.

"Lex?" Clark's voice shatters the brick wall I spent most of tonight trying to build up around myself, but it's not my fault.

"Yeah?" I sit up, my eyes opening slowly, as I try to adjust to the lights, which have just been turned on. That's when I hear the other sound. Alexander, he's crying. "How long was I out for?" I ask making my way over to the two of them.

"All afternoon and most of the nihgt. It's 10:00. I tried putting him in the crib, but he wants you." Clark hands the baby over and as soon as Alex is in my hands, he stops crying.

"How do you get him to do that?" Clark asks, once again amazed at my relationship with our son.

"I think he feels sorry for me. The whole time Lionel was—Alex kept on screaming. And I know he wasn't scared because it wasn't that kind off a scream. It was that noise he makes if you or your Mom try and put him to bed, or if we wait too long to change his diaper.

"The pissed off scream," Clark says quietly as I lay Alex down in his crib. He does his little fussy fit for a few minutes and then rolls over and falls asleep.

"I think he was trying to say, 'hey you, in the good suit, stay the fuck away from my daddy!'" Clark wraps his arm around me, protectively. "He's gonna be really strong when he gets older, really tough too." Clark and I walk back to our room and sit on the edge of the bed.

"Lex, what—I mean uh, okay I think I'm just gonna come right out and ask this, okay? What did your dad say to you today?"

"He said that those papers I signed. He said he never had them processed, but that he'll take care of it. And—." No. I'm not gonna tell him the rest. Clark and I are going to protect Alexander. Lionel is never going to have the chance to do that. There is no reason for Clark to worry. The baby is going to be fine.

"And?" He asks, getting more and more afraid with every passing second. "Lex? What did he say?"

"He offered me one last chance to go back with him, to uh—be his, um, to be his son again."

"And you said no, of course," he practically begs, putting his hand on top of mine and squeezing it. This is not a lie. Lionel did offer to let me go with him but that's not the only thing he said, but like I said, Alex is going to be safe and there's no sense in making Clark worry for nothing.

"Yeah. I mean, I told him no. I think that's why he, decided to hurt me like that. Jesus, I'm crying. I thought I was getting over all of this and then BAM! He's back."

"He's gone now. He's gone and he is never going to hurt you again." Clark wraps his arms around me, loosely, and I allow myself to fall into them. Then I start to cry even harder. He holds me until the worst of it passes and then the two of us just collapse and fall asleep.


	6. H is for Home

"There's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst..." Lester Burnham

It's a strange thing, having a child, a strange, beautiful, sweet, kind, unbelievable, terrifying, exhilarating, wonderful experience. I always thought being part of a family would make my life better, although I never knew why. I just figured that if I could only be part of a family then everything would be okay.

After Alexander was born, Clark and I and he became a whole, perfect family. I thought all of my dreams had come true. Maybe they had, maybe they hadn't. All I know is that with the exception of that one day about five years ago when my father came into our home and assaulted me, I've been happy. I've been safe.

Alexander is the greatest child on the planet. He's so strong, like Clark but he looks like I did before I lost my hair and he thinks like I used to. He started reading when he was two, I started to teach him how to play chess less than a year ago and he's already beating me. Today is his first day of school and Clark is upstairs with him now, talking to him about being careful with his abilities. Right now he's just strong and fast. Hopefully the other abilities (if they come) will be on the same schedule as Clark's were.

He's not going to kindergarten though. They tested him at school and he's off the charts, like I was, and they want him to start in the first grade. Last nihgt I talked to him, about being smart and how hard it'll be and I shared some of my school experiences with him, some of the more child friendly ones anyway. Alexander seems to understand all the things about people I never could. He's the best of everything from both Clark and me. As he walks down the stairs, dressed in jeans and a plaid shirt that's practically identical to Clark's, images of him flash through my head.

Alex's first steps. His first word, "daddy." Alexander, Clark and me on a picnic. The first time he ever beat me at chess. The smile on his face this year when he blew out the candles on his birthday cake. Alex saying, "I love you," and my heart fills up with so much love and pride that I am completely overwhelmed and tears stream down my face.

"Daddy, Lex," Alex runs over to me, wrapping his arms around my waist and hugging me. "Why are you sad?"

"No, I'm not sad, Buddy. I'm just so happy that I can't do anything but cry. These are good tears, I promise." He looks at me quizzically for a moment, with a sense of understanding no normal five-year-old could ever have and then he decides I am telling the truth.

"Come on," he calls out to me, smiling. "I don't wanna be late for my school. It's my first day." The only reason I was happy on my first day of school was because I knew I was going to be far away from my father in what I thought would be a safe place. Granted school was almost as much of a living Hell for me as it was being at "home," but it's not going to be like that for him.

The kid practically drags me out to the car; Clark has to run to keep up with us. We drive Alex to his new school and walk inside with him. He's looking around this place with his eyes wide open, looking at everything with rapt attention. Clark and I stand on either side of him, holding his hands. We're all smiling. When we get to the door of Alexander's classroom, he makes us stop and then gives both Clark and me a hug. Then he turns around.

"You alright, Buddy?" I ask squatting down next to him and putting my hands on his shoulders.

"Yeah, but I wanna go inside by myself. Okay? I'm a big boy," he says bravely. As I watch my son walk into that room all by himself, I realize I've never been more proud or happy in my whole life.

//XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX\\

When we get back to the farm, Clark follows me inside, sits down at the kitchen table and says, "Lex, we need to talk.

"Okay." I sit down next to him and Clark gets this look on his face like he's working up the nerve to dump me or something.

"Alexander has been asking me questions about his, about our families and stuff. And I told him how I was adopted and that I don't know that much about my real parents. We're gonna have to have that whole, not really from around here chat when he's older but . . . He kepes on asking me about your family too." I shake my head. When Alex was born, I promised that I would never let Lionel have anything to do with him.

"Can't the whole sorry Kiddo, but technically you're a Luthor thing wait too? I mean Jesus; he's just a little kid. I can't tell him about my father."

"He's going to school now and they do call this place Smallville for a reason. Somebody is going to tell him about Lionel, and it's better for Alexander if he hears it from you." I dunno. Of course someday, somewhere my son is going to have to learn the truth, not just about Clark and the alien thing, but also about me, and my father and the whole sordid Luthor family history.

It's just that he's so young. Alex is only give, but what Clark said is true. Somebody is going to talk to him and soon and he's going to need to know how to deal with it and what to say to them. And he's gonna have to know that no matter what happens to him, he needs to stay away from Lionel.

I can't tell him everything yet; just that his grandfather is not a nice person and that Alexander can't talk to him. He already knows to stay away from strangers but I wouldn't put anything at all past my father. And he still owns at least half of this town, so it's not like Lionel couldn't go anywhere, grab my son and do god knows what to him.

"Alright. I'll talk to him tonight okay? Unless you think that's not soon enough. I can always go over there during lunch and tell him then."

"No. After school is fine. Look, I don't want him to know either but we have to tell him something."

"I know," I say quietly, letting Clark hug me and allowing myself to relax in his arms. "I just want Lionel out of our lives, forever."

"Me too, Lex. Me too." Clark wraps his arms around me nice and tight and the two of us just sit there for a while. Then we finish as man chores as we can before it's time to leave and go pick up Alexander at school. As we pull into the parking lot, I scan the playground but I don't see him.

"Hey Clark," I ask as we pull into a parking space in front of the building. "Do you see him?"

"No. He must be inside. Maybe his locker sticks or something." Once we get inside, it becomes clear that Alex isn't anywhere. Together Clark and I storm into the principal's office.

"Mr. Kent, Mr.—uh—Lex," he stumbles as he looks up at me. "I'm surprised to see you here," principal Reed says looking up from a file at us. "Alexander already left. His grandfather picked him up right before the school day ended. He said there was some sort of a family emergency."

"The only emergency is that you let that man take our son! For the record Lionel Luthor is NOT allowed anywhere near Alex, ever. Got it?" I'm yelling and probably scaring the poor guy but I don't care. "Write that down, now!" Clark takes me by the hand and we walk outside.

"Lex, I have to go and get him. I'll race over to the mansion, and just grab Alexander. Your dad won't even know what hit him."

"No. I'll go. I think it has to be me anyway."

"Lex, every time your—he—gets near you he," Clark looks at me sadly, "Please. Just let me go."

"Look we don't even know what's going on in there. For all we know he's got a room full of Kryptonite. He won't—I mean he can't—I have to do this."

Clark looks at me with tears in his eyes, and then he says, "okay. But Lex, be careful, please. I want both of you home safe and sound."


	7. R is for Rescue

So I find myself at a crossroads with this story. I'd like to end it where it is, but I think you all know that there is at least one more chapter in this puppy (after this update). Therein lays the problem, however. I have to do what no one in the Smallville universe has been able to do. Clark, Martha, Jonathan, Lex, Andrea, Jor-el, Zod have all failed. Even Al and Miles can't do it. What, you might ask, is so difficult? I have to kill Lionel Luthor. Suggestions will be considered and then wadded up and thrown in the trash. Unless of course it's really good. If that happens, I'll delete the review and steal the idea and post it as my own. ;)

"My life is a contradiction of sorrow and desire

I drag my heart across the ash to throw it on the fire

Maybe there's a reason and could there be a plan

Or are we all just fools to think we'll understand," John Mellencamp

All the way to the mansion, all I can think about are the things that my father could be doing to Alexander at this very moment. My only thoughts are of the pain and suffering my father put me through and how he could easily be violating my son in the same ways. I see the look he used to get in his eyes. I hear his voice in my ear, and myself crying. Only this time my face is replaced by Alex's and it's him I hear crying, not me.

This flashback leaves me angry, and cold. I push the car harder and faster, past its limits, but I don't care. My son is at stake. I make great time getting to the mansion. I'm there almost as quickly as Clark would have been. A security guard lets me right on through and leads me towards my old office, even though I tell him I'm here to see Lionel and that I won't be leaving until I do.

I think about making a break for it, so I can try to find them on my own but I couldn't even begin to know where to look. Too many rooms. Too many places for a monster to hide. As we approach I hear Dad laughing and I burst through the doors all but ripping them from their hinges. Nothing that I had been picturing could have prepared me for what I see next.

Alexander and my father are seated next to each other on a sofa (both fully dressed) with a chessboard between them, and Alex is eating chocolate chip cookies off of a plate. He's smiling, laughing even. Both of their heads whip around to look at me. He's fine. As far as I can tell, he's been having a good time.

"Hi Daddy," he calls out, waving. I don't know how to respond. I watch, practically paralyzed as Lionel's hand lands on my son's shoulder and Alex looks back at him.

"Now, Alexander, you need to pay attention to the game. You don't want to let your opponent know that you can be distracted. It's a sign of weakness. You don't want to give me any sort of an opening do you?"

"I've got your king in three moves," Alexander boasts confidently. And then he does something that nearly kills me. He hugs Lionel. Alex is a very affectionate child and even with my eyes shut tight I can tell that Dad is getting that look in his eyes.

"Alex, go wait in the car. I'll be there in a minute." I just barely get the words out before my heart leaps up into my throat.

"Aww, but Dad, I'm gonna kick his butt! Big time!"

"Watch your mouth. And get in the car." He slinks off, angrily, slamming the door behind him.

"Well, I', glad to see that your time at the Kent's has at least taught you some manners," my father says standing up and walking over to me.

"Apparently I didn't make myself clear enough the last time we spoke. If you so much as drive past Alexander's school, if you ever touch him, speak to him, if I even hear him talk about you, I will hunt you down and shoot you, like a dog." It's pretty much the only time I've ever really stood up to my father, but I'm still shaking and if he so much as looks at me again, I'm gonna start crying. His hand reaches out to stroke my cheek but I manage to smack it away.

"That was almost convincing, Son. You might to try and practice that one in the mirror so that next time you don't look like a Parkinson's patient." I look down at his hand which has been very busy since I pushed it away. "All wanted to do was bond with my grandson."

"That is exactly what I came here to prevent. I left. I gave up everything, even being your son. Just leave him alone."

"It's a real shame Lex. He has incredible potential, more than you ever did. Are you really going to let his life go to waist baling hay?"

"I'm sure as Hell not going to subject him to you. I won't let what happened to me happen to him. Now, are you going to stay away from him or do I have to—," I whimper as his hand, which was between my legs, clamps onto my shoulder. "You disinherited me. You can't have it both ways." Dad looks me straight in the eyes for a minute before letting me go.

"You take good care of that boy, Lex. I would hate for you to know the humiliation of having a failure for a son."

"I love my son, and I always will. The only way I would ever consider him a failure is if he turned out like you."

//xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx\\

The whole ride home and all through dinner, Alexander won't even look at me let alone say anything. After we eat he rushes upstairs and locks himself in his room. I'm about to go talk to him, when Clark pulls me back into the kitchen.

"What did your Dad do to him?" Clark begs, tears already forming in his eyes.

"When I got there, they were eating cookies and playing chess. But Lionel had that look in his eyes. So basically, I got there just in time to rescue him from the most fun he'd had all day."

"But the point is you rescued him. Lex, we have to talk to him. We have to tell him," Clark says pacing back and forth so fast that it's making me dizzy.

"I've got this one. This is my father son talk. You can handle the one when he starts seeing through walls and lighting fires with his eyes. Might wanna warn him though. If I remember correctly that one was pretty bad."

"Are you gonna be okay?" he asks, holding onto me by the wrist. He knows I start joking like that, being sarcastic when things get really bad. I don't answer him, because honestly I'm not sure if I can. Clark hugs me. "Just remember. I love you. Alex loves you. He's upset now, but that won't last."

"Yeah, I know." I walk upstairs and knock on Alex's door. Nothing. I try the handle. Locked. "Alexander Julian Kent open this door right now!" I shout, pounding on the wood. Damn it! I did not want to do that. "I'm sorry about that. Listen Kiddo, I know you're mad at me but we need to talk about your grandfa—my fath—Lionel Luthor is not a good man. He hurts people. That's what he does. He was being nice to you today because it would be more painful for all of us when he hurt you, if you trusted him first. I didn't want to have this talk with you, but I think we have to." I hear the bedsprings as he gets up and unlocks the door, letting me in.

"But why would Grandpa hurt me. He said that you left 'cuz of a mistake—but it dint make a lot of sense." Then, suddenly, he looks away. "And he did touch my leg once and it felt kind of funny." I take Alex in my arms and hug him tight.

"Yeah. He used to do that to me too. He did other things. I hoped I would never have to tell you about those things, but I'm afraid that if I don't he'll come back and try to do them to you too." I explain things the best I can, trying to leave out as many of the graphic details as possible without leaving out the importance of what happened. Alexander's eyes widen in fear and then we both start crying, holding each other. When it's over Alex looks up at me again, wiping his eyes.

"Daddy Lex?" he asks, reaching up and touching my face. "Was he gonna try and hurt me today?" I think everything is starting to sink in because now he's panicking and I don't want that but I'm not certain if it's avoidable. "What if he comes back? What if he hurts you or Daddy Clark or Grandma? What if he hurts me?" I hold my son so tightly that if he weren't as strong as he is, I'd be scared I was hurting him.

"That will never happen. I am going to protect you. I won't ever let him hurt you. WE told the school not to let him take you again and Daddy Clark called the police and told them the same thing. If we have to, I'll call the FBI." Alexander stares at me for a while as if he's working something out in his head, but he seems stuck.

"Why did your daddy hurt you like that? If it hurt so much why didn't he stop? It doesn't make sense."

"I know. I don't think it will ever make sense. I think that was part of it, making me worry and wonder so much." He nods and hugs me again.

"Daddy-Lex, I'm sorry I went with him today. I knew I wasn't supposed to, but he knew all about us and he seemed nice."

"I know. And the important thing is that nothing happened. And it's not your fault."

"Is it okay that I'm scared, even though nothing happened? 'Cuz I'm kind of scared."

"Yeah. It's okay. He scares me too sometimes." I watch as Alex gets on his knees and reaches under the bed, pulling out a ratty old teddy bear.

"Can I sleep with you and Daddy-Clark?" he asks, bringing the bear up to his chest and hugging it tight.

"Of course you can." As we walk back to my room all I can think is, how can anyone ever want to hurt some one so sweet and generous and loving, someone so perfect?

"Are you guys okay?" Clark asks, picking Alex up and holding him with one arm. Then he pulls the other around my shoulder.

"I'm a little scared," Alexander admits, "but I know I'm safe."

"That's right," Clark and I say at almost the exact same time. Alex climbs in-between Clark and me and the three of us snuggle together and even with all that's happened to us today I feel like everything might really be okay. We haven't got everything worked out and my father is still a problem but we're doing better. We're a real family, and together, we can get through anything.


	8. C is for Choices

"I close my eyes when I get too sad  
I think thoughts that I know are bad  
Close my eyes and I count to ten  
Hope its over when I open them," Everclear

Saturdays are pretty much the only time Clark and I get to sleep in. Alex still wakes up at 5:00 but he sits around watching cartoons for a couple of hours. If you had told the old Lex that someday, he would consider sleeping until 8:00 or 9:00 sleeping in, he would have laughed in your face, maybe worse.

Anyway, I like my Saturdays. Alexander and I make breakfast, although he's still too young to do much. He likes being with me, that's what really matters, that and the fact that he likes to feel helpful. Alex even knows how much I like my Saturday morning sleep in.

He's a smart kid. He's a good kid, sweet, caring, affectionate. He loves me. He loves both of us. I guess this is why I'm so surprised when Alexander comes into our room, tugs on my arm and wakes me up at 6:30 on a Saturday morning. My eyes scream as he flips on the light switch. My head is fuzzy and my throat is dry. Sure I feel this way every morning but I know it's too early. If I were more like my father, I'd yell at him, but I'm not and I can tell from the look in his eyes there is a reason for him doing this.

He's waking me up early on a Saturday because something is wrong. Our life is pretty simple. We don't have many problems and the ones we do have do not require my being awoken at 6:30 on a Saturday. Well there is one possibility, one I really don't like. My father. It figures, I can't seem to get rid of him no mater what I do, no mater where I go.

"It's my dad, isn't it?" I ask, climbing out of bed. Alex shrugs and hands me the phone.

"I dunno. It doesn't sound like him. Just some guy who wants to talk to you. He says it's important."

"Alright. I'll take care of this. Stay with Daddy-Clark, okay? I need a little privacy." Alexander eyes me suspiciously, but stays in the room none-the-less. Great now my father is using his goons to harass my family. I bring the phone to my ear, cautiously. "Hello?"

"Hello. Is this Lex Luthor?" The unfamiliar voice on the other end is strong but unsure of itself. This man does not work for my father.

"Actually, I changed my name about six years ago, but—,"

"Mr. Luthor, this is detective Arnold Graham. I'm afraid I have some rather sad news for you. It appears that last nihgt your father fell down a flight of stairs."

"Is he alright?" I ask hating myself for giving a fuck. The voice on the other end takes in a deep breath. This is not good. This is not good at all.

"I'm afraid he didn't survive the fall. There are a few things we need to clear up, I'd like to ask you a few questions, Mr. Luthor."

"Why? I mean my father and I haven't had contact in years. Legally I'm not even his son anymore. He disinherited me."

"Mr. Luthor you must know that I know that neither of those statements are true. I have your father's schedule right here and it says that the two of you had a meeting yesterday. As far as your inheritances, you stand to get everything. How soon do you think you can get here?"

"Is 3:00 okay? I don't think I can make it to Metropolis any sooner than—," the cop cuts me off, again.

"Mr. Luthor—," stop calling me that I want to shout. That's not me! "I'm calling from your father's house in Smallville."

"I'll be right there," I hang up the phone and stand in shock, staring at the wall.

//XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX\\

I was lying when I told the detective I hadn't seen my father and he knew it. What my father's schedule said was true. I did see him yesterday. Lionel called in the afternoon, when Clark was out picking Alexander up at school. He told me on the phone that I had to come by. He said that my son's safety was at issue. I told him Clark had the car, so he picked me up in the limo.

"What have you done? I swear to god, if you have hurt my son in anyway," Lionel cut me off, pushing me back against the seat.

"Shut up Lex," he ordered stroking my cheek. I was able to summon up the courage to push his hand away.

"Do you honestly to expect me to believe that there aren't hundreds of people, women—men if you wanted—anyone, who would gladly sleep with you? Do you really need to keep coming after me? Do you really need to threaten Alexander?" My father draped his hand over my shoulders, "don't do that."

"Well, I'm sure there are plenty of places I could put it, but I doubt you want that, now do you, Lex? You know, I feel like you and I have some unresolved—issues."

"No kidding," I spat, rolling my eyes, and my father backhanded me, _hard._

"Be careful, Dad. You don't wanna have to take me to the emergency room again. Do you remember when I was eleven and you broke my arm in three places?" He put his finger over my lips.

"Oh, Lex." His hand rubbed the back of my neck. "You need to stop living in the past. I've been thinking, Son, I need to train an heir. You are much closer than that little boy of yours, but he would just as easily suffice."

"And what if I told you that you cant have either of us?" I asked, wincing as his hand traveled down from neck, grazing my chest, stroking my inner thigh.

"That is not an option. Now I realize that you will need some time to think about your options, but I'd like to have a drink with you. Come inside, why don't you?" I should have known not to take the drink—not to even go inside with him but I did both. I woke up, a few hours later, naked, lying face down in his bed, alone. I could feel that he hadn't done anything to me but still. . .

Lionel left an envelope on top of the neatly folded pile of my clothes. Inside were pictures of me, and Alexander. Alex, at school. Alex, working on the farm. There was also a note informing me that I had two days to make my decision. My father's driver took me home and I didn't say anything to Clark or Alexander. I just went upstairs and laid in bed crying. Now Lionel is dead and I don't know how to feel or what to do.

"Clark?" I call from the kitchen. Clark rushes to my side and wraps his arms around me.

"Lex? What is it? What's wrong? Is it your dad? Does it have something to do with last night? What did he do this time?"

"He's dead. He um—he never processed those papers. I—uh—and there's—he—the police want to talk to me about his—you know." Clark hugs me tighter, rubbing my back. He wants to come with but I make him stay there with Alex. I drive myself to the mansion, wondering how even in death my father still manages to torture me.


	9. A is for Acceptance

"As the old saying goes, you'd better know what you want because you just might get it," Christopher Reeve.

When I get to the mansion the cop takes me into a small room and sits me down to ask me what he assures me are only procedural questions. _Where were you last night between the hours of 8:00 and 10:00? Is there anyone who can verify that? How would you characterize your relationship with your father?_ The whole thing is over in less than an hour, when another cop comes in and whispers something in the cop's ear. The detective, who isn't actually one just yet, jumped to the conclusion that since my father was dead I had to have had something to do with it. Turns out Lionel's death really was a "tragic" accident after all.

After the cops leave, I stand at the base of the stairs, looking down at the spot on the floor where he had been. My fa—Lionel Luthor, the man who had been torturing me since the day I was born, the monster in all of my worst nightmares, gone. No. It's impossible. People like that don't die. I can't even count the number of times I've wished for this phone call and yet, I'm not at all satisfied. I'm mad, and maybe even a little depressed.

Part of me wants to see the body just to be sure, but I think that part of me would not be happy if he just saw Lionel's body. He'd have to kick it a couple hundred times before he felt anything at all and even then he would want more. I try not to let that part of me out, ever, and I try not to think those thoughts. Now that Lionel's gone it shouldn't be a problem anymore.

Still, even with all that he did to me I wish he were here. I wanted a chance to show him that I am stronger than him. I want a chance to win, beat him at his game. I wanted to succeed and rub it in his face. It's stupid, pathetic, and weak but—I—I don't even know. He just held me under his thumb for so long and now that I've gotten out I feel nothing at all. Suddenly all of the pent up rage, and fear and sadness overwhelms me and I just start screaming.

"I hate you! I hate your fucking guts you sick, twisted, horrible monster! You son of a bitch, you ruined my life. I hope—I hope you rot in Hell," my words get quieter and lose all of their strength as I go on until I get to the point where he might as well be on top of me because I am shaking, crying, and stumbling over my words.

I get down on my knees rocking back and forth, like a small child. "Please. Please Dad. I just have to hear the words. Just once. Tell me that you love me. Please. Tell me why you did it. Explain it to me. Make an excuse. Anything. Please." Naturally nobody says anything. I'd give it all up for five more minutes, for a chance to hear him apologize or explain. I desperately need those answers and I don't know what I'm going to do with out them.

As I make my way to the car, it hits me suddenly. My father is dead. He's never coming back and yet I'm not free. I have to take care of the arrangements, plan the funeral. He left me everything and even though part of me (a large part) wants it, I have no idea how I'm going to handles this. I don't even know what I am goanna do right now. All I know is that I'm scared out of my fucking mind and I'm in pain. It hurts. It hurts so much and I'm so scared. All I can do, is sit down, in the front seat and lay my head on the steering wheel, sobbing. I just keep on crying, and crying so hard that my whole body aches. When it feels as if there is nothing else left inside of me, I drive home.

It's late, getting dark out and I feel awful for having stayed out all day. I feel worse that I was thinking about my father all day. Even before I get out of the car, Clark is at my side, wrapping me in his arms, and I allow myself to just collapse. Alexander stands back a little, watching us.

"Are you okay?" Clark asks, pulling back a tiny bit so he can look at my face. He rubs my shoulders softly.

"I don't even know how to answer that question. He left me everything, Clark. I don't know what I'm supposed to do."

"What do you mean?"

"I don't think I can give it away, say no, even I wanted to but I don't want that. I—there is so much good I can do with that money and power. I can help so many people. I want to help them, but. . ."

"But what? If you can help people then you should do it."

"It's not that simple Clark. We'd probably have to move to Metropolis. And I'd have to spend a significant amount of time—working."

"We can go to Metropolis. It would make things easier. I'd be closer to the planet and, I think Alexander would like it there too. We can go, if that's what you want."

"I don't know. Alex is in school here. He has friends here. We can't just pull him away from all of that. This is his home. I never had a home growing up. I can't just—take that away from him."

"His home is wherever his family is. It's got nothing to do with the house. Why don't we just talk to him, ask him what he thinks."

"I don't wanna put that kind of pressure on him. He's gonna feel like if he makes the wrong choice—," Clark cuts me off.

"He's five. We're not going to let him make the final decision, but we can let him think about it, let his opinion count. Then he'd feel like we all made the choice together." It's a good idea so I agree.

"I have to go to Metropolis for a few days. I've gotta take care of the funeral and stuff. I want you guys to come with me. I don't think I can do it alone. And we'll let Alex see how he likes things, and then I'll talk to him about it." Clark turns his head towards the house.

"Alexander, why don't you come over here for a minute? I need to do get some things together inside the house." Clark rushes inside, to pack for us. Alex walks over and looks up at me.

"You've been crying," he says as I bend down to hug him. Alexander touches the side of my face, and then kisses my cheek, and hugs me. "What's wrong?" Clark comes out side with the suitcases, and tosses them in the trunk. "Where are we going?"

"We're gonna go to Metropolis for a few days. Clark, can you drive? Me and Alex have some stuff to talk about."

"Daddy Lex, what's wrong?" he asks again, more concerned and more demanding. I don't want to talk to him about this right now. I don't want to talk about it period. But he should know, and he'll feel better if he doesn't have to worry about Lionel anymore. It takes me about an hour before I can get my head on straight enough to

"That phone call I got this morning, it was the police. My father died last night. And well, he had a lot of money and he gave it all to me, to us."

"What are you gonna do with it?" Alex asks.

"I'm not sure. I want to help people with it. I think if I change the company he created, then I could help a lot of people. But I think I'd have to live in Metropolis if I was going to do that." Alex looks at me like he's going to cry.

"Don't leave us Daddy-Lex. Please."

"No, Alexander, I'm not leaving. I'm sorry, I said that wrong. I meant we—all of us, would have to live in Metropolis, as a family. I want us to stay there."

"Oh, okay. So we're gonna move then?"

"Well I wanted to talk to you about it first. I wanna make sure you're okay with it." Alex yawns, snuggling closer to me, his eyes closing slightly. I look out the window. We pass a sign that says only 10 more miles to Metropolis. "Why don't you sleep on it tonight? We can talk some more in the morning. Okay?" Alex nods, closing his eyes and yawning again. Then he lays his head against my lap and falls asleep.


	10. E is for Eulogy

Once again I think I'm done but there's probably one more chapter. If I get the feedback I'm hoping for I'll try and write it. I'm just not sure I want the sappy ending.

"Bound with all the weight of all the words he tried to say  
Chained to all the places that he never wished to say  
Bound with all the weight of all the words he tried to say  
and as faced the sun he cast no shadow

As they took his soul they stole his pride," Oasis.

The last thing in the world that I want to do is attend my father's funeral. No, I take that back. It's the second to last thing I want to be doing. The last thing is the only part of the funeral preparations I haven't finished, the thing I'm still working on now, even though it's 3:00 in the morning on the day when we are going to burry that sick bastard for good. I have to give a eulogy. I've been sitting in the same spot ever since we put Alexander to bed.

It's been about a week, and we're still staying at the hotel (until we find a new house. I'm selling the one I grew up in, too many bad memories, too many things to remind me of my father.) but not much else has changed. There's a pad of paper in front of me and a pen, but I can't bring myself to write anything. I wish I could tell the whole world about what he did to me but at the same time I don't want anyone to know. Besides, he's dead so what would be the point. Not that I could write a nice speech about him even if I leave out all the years of . . . abuse. Clark comes over and it's down on another chair, facing me.

"Hey, did you get anything done yet?" I shake my head. "You should get some sleep." He looks at me sadly.

"I don't know why I'm letting myself get stressed out by this. It's not like anyone would believe anything good I could think of to say about him."

"Why do you have to say anything all?"

"Because I'm his son and a decent fucking person. If I'm going to prove to the world that I'm a good guy then I need to do this and do it convincingly."

"You need to sleep or it won't matter that you have nothing to say, you'll just fall asleep."

"I can't sleep. I tried. I keep trying but every time I close my eyes I feel like he's—it's stupid. Forget I said anything."

"You're still scared, aren't you?" Clark hugs me tightly to his body. "I'd be scared too. Lex? There's something else too isn't there?"

"Look Clark—I uh—this isn't easy for me. I mean—I don't want to lie to you."

"Then don't," he says simply, kissing the top of my head. "Lex? It's okay. You can talk to me."

"The day before he died, my father called the house and told me that if I didn't go back to him, he was going to take Alexander from us." Clark stares at me blankly for a minute.

"Why didn't you say anything?"

"He died the next day. I didn't think it would make any difference. I didn't think it would matter."

"If it's bothering you this much then it maters. Maybe you could sleep for a while, if I sit up and watch over you?"

"Thanks, but no. I know he can't—I know he's gone at least when I'm awake I do but as soon as I fall asleep…besides I have to finish this."

"How much do you need to say? Maybe I can help you think of something."

"No. I have to do this. It has to be my words my—it has to be me."

"Why?"

"Because he was my father!" But that's not the whole reason. I have to prove that I'm better than him by not resorting to his tricks or tactics.

"And look what he did to you. Lex he might have been your dad but he didn't act like it. You don't owe him anything."

"Yes I do. Even if I'm gonna do good things, I'm still taking his company and his money. That was his way of making sure he would have control over me." Clark looks at me desperately. He wants to help but doesn't know what he's supposed to do. "I think I've got it."

"Good, are you coming to bed now?"

"I'll be there in a bit I just wanna write this down so I don't for get it.

//XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX\\

I don't know why my father had plans in order for a funeral at his age but he did, right down to what kinds of flowers he wanted, the people who would be here, except for writing this stupid eulogy I had my work cut out for me. As I step up to the podium hundreds of eyes stair at me, watching. All of the sudden my mouth dries out and my heart starts beating like a humming bird's. I look back at Clark who gives me a weak smile. Then I close my eyes, and count to ten. _Okay. Here goes nothing._

"Ladies and gentleman, on behalf of my father I would like to thank you for finding the time to come here to day. I, like many of you, am uncertain of how to feel about this situation, this event. Lionel Luthor was my father and I think it has to be said that he was by no means a perfect man. Some would even go as far as to say that he was a very bad man in life, but he was a man none-the-less and it is not up to any of us to judge him. It is not my job or your job to decide who is good or bad, right or wrong. All any of us can do is try our best and hope that we can learn from our mistakes.

"I know these things because I grew up with Lionel Luthor as my father. I grew up being watched and judged by every person I ever met. My father was not the kind of man who showed affection easily, but I think in his heart he only wanted what he thought was best for me. Unfortunately, the two of us often differed as to what exactly that was. Over the past few years our relationship had been strained, and our last conversation did not end well. I never got to tell him any of this to his face, but I think he can hear me now when I say that, 'I'm sorry, Dad and I love you.'"

By the time I finish there isn't a person who doesn't at least have tears in their eyes. I speak to everyone, making notes as to with whom I'll continue to make contact, and with whom I will need to sever all ties. Then I wait, and I wait, and I wait. Finally, when I am certain that absolutely everyone is gone (except for Clark and Alex) I go to the car and remove the roses. I lay them atop my mother's grave, touching the headstone, softly. Next to her is Lionel's freshly buried coffin and his stone. I stand beside it just looking down for a while. Clark comes to my side and stands there. Alexander hugs me.

"Are you ready to go?" Clark asks, putting an arm around my shoulder.

"I need a minute or two alone with him." Clark nods, taking Alex to the car. "Checkmate, Dad. I wanted you to know that I've decided to take everything. Luthorcorp is going to be remembered for the people we help and the good we do. I figured it all out. I was never the screw up you made me out to be. I'm just a good person, and you hated that." Then I turn and walk towards the car, and as I step inside I realize that even though I'm not living the life I expected to be, I'm happy. I'm on the right track, and I'm going to be okay. Alexander leans over me from the back seat.

"Daddy-Lex are you okay?" he asks, trying to hug me from around the seat.

"Yeah, I am," I tell him, and I think it might actually be the truth.


	11. N is for Now

The very, very last chapter.

"Now I am taller than I used to be  
Now I am living again  
Now I like where I have found myself  
This is where I want to be now," Everclear

"Lex," I hear his voice in my ear, soft, in an almost gentle tone. If I didn't know any better, I'd think he was actually being nice. It's dark, and I'm alone, and he's whispering in my ear, and I know exactly what's about to happen. And then I hear something else. "Daddy-Lex," Alexander's voice whispers in my ear, yanking me from my sleep.

"Yeah?" I sit up, looking around, trying to get my bearings. The clock next to the bed reads 4:30 am. "You have a bad dream, Buddy?" I ask, looking down at him with great concern.

"Sorta…well no not really. I'm not sure about this new school," he says, sounding scared, which is unusual for him. "Maybe we should go back to Smallville?" My first instinct is to say, _we mustn't go backwards, son,_ but then I realize that it's exactly what Lionel would have said. My next thought is that going back to Smallville would make all of our lives so much easier.

"Well, I suppose we could do that…go back, but it won't be the same, you know. And your old school doesn't have a chess club, or a fencing team, or any of that other really cool stuff we looked at." It's been almost a year since Lionel died, and at first we did stay in Smallville.

We let Alexander finish off his year at school, while I worked at turning the company around and Clark and Martha got everything ready for the move. We looked into schools, found a special one just for gifted children, which Alex loves.

Today is his first day. Last night he was very excited and couldn't stop talking about the classes, and the teachers, and all of the extra curricular activates, the trip we took this summer to Montana—I managed to buy our old ranch back—but now, when things are getting too close to call it off, he's scared. "If we start driving right now we would get there just in time for school. And I could cancel my meeting. Of course Daddy-Clark can't leave his job at the planet so easily, but he could come home eventually."

"He loves that job," Alexander reminds me. "And your meeting is really important. Plus I'm not registered in Smallville anymore…I don't think my new school is gonna be bad."

"It did look like a lot of fun, didn't it?" I ask, watching him smile and nod. "Looks like we're both a little nervous, huh?" Alexander nods, and climbs up onto the bed, between me and Clark, closes his eyes, and falls back to sleep immediately.

I on the other hand know that I'm up for the day, and not because Alex woke me up. I was having my usual nightmare, and that one always keeps me up. When I was younger and alone, I would have stayed up crying, or worrying about Lionel coming into my room, but not today. Not this time.

I lie back in bed and look up at the ceiling, thinking about my life. I have just about everything I have ever wanted. I have a loving partner, who all but worships the ground I walk on. My fath—Lionel is no longer in my life, no longer in anybody's life, actually. I live in a happy home, have a great job, and a beautiful, sweet, smart, funny, kind, perfect son, I actually got my happily ever after.

Then, all of the sudden, the alarm is going off and Alex bounces out of bed, and runs back to his room. Clark rolls, over and turns to face me, yawning a huge yawn.

"Hey, Lex. You okay?" he asks, reaching over to give me a hug. "You look," and then there is a distinct pause, as he looks for a polite term for, 'you look like a piece of crap.'

"I had a nightmare—followed by a 4:00 AM conference with our son. He _will be_ going to school this morning, in case you were wondering," I inform him.

"I didn't realize that was even an issue. Was there some sort of a problem?" he asks, still groggy. So I nod, and Clark starts to sit up and look at me. "What happened?"

"Nothing, I mean nothing huge, anyway. Alex was a little nervous about starting at the new school, but we talked about it. Everything's okay now." Then, as if on cue, Alexander pops into the room, and does this little, half naked, dance he invented, and runs back to finish getting dressed.

Clark and I take him to school, and then stop at The Planet on my way to work, and even though I'm fifteen minutes late for my board meeting, I don't mind. I'm finally happy. Everything is just perfect.

I make sure that I never have more than two nights a week where I work past dinnertime, and to night is no different. I get back to the house just in time to sit down with Clark and Alexander and we talk about our days, laugh, tell stories, and do all of the normal, wonderful things that real families do. I love my life.


End file.
